The Book

My first novel, Always the Last to Know, is now available for purchase at Amazon and CreateSpace.  By purchasing this book, not only are you helping me fund a trip to Peru instead of paying off student loans, but you are also guaranteeing yourself a chuckle or two.

From the back cover:

Wearing a Maid of Honor dress that would make the South want to rise again (only to quickly retreat out of pure fear), Jess Reynolds is prepared to walk down the aisle at her best friend’s wedding, that she is sure of.  What she isn’t so sure of is her less-than-stellar job as a bank teller, an annoying brother-of-the-bride, and a handsome Best Man with all the charm Jess could ever want.  As the wedding date inches closer, Jess is finding out that she doesn’t know as much as she thought, especially when it comes to what is going on in her own heart.

Excerpt:

“Carla!”  Riley yells to his sister before he even opens the door to the apartment.  I’m still running up the flight of stairs, trying to catch up with him.  I wasn’t aware that, when you tell a guy that his mom is dating someone, he turns into a fucking gazelle.

His initial reaction was slightly better than what I expected.  He never did say anything, which initially worried me, mostly because Riley has never had any sort of a problem voicing his opinion.  After I told him what I saw – I decided that it was best to leave out the part where the Mystery Kisser got some boob action from Ms. Callahan – he just said that Carla should know.  He drove over to the apartment, obeying all traffic laws and even humming along to one of his mixed CDs.  I was relieved by the humming; it convinced me that Riley was going to take a very grown up approach to the whole thing.  When he parked the Jeep outside the apartment, however, he turned into a crazy man.

A crazy man who can evidently fly up stairwells.

I make it up the stairs and into the apartment, clutching my side where a cramp has just set in.  I have got to start working out.  Carla is staring down into a sink of dishes, not even acknowledging Riley’s face full of insanity, which only seems to bother him more.

“Carla, do you know anything about Mom’s new boyfriend?”

Carla looks up from the sink full of dishes and just stares blankly at Riley.  “You’re not funny, you know that, right?  Jess, you’ve told him that he’s not funny, haven’t you?”

I nod, still holding onto my side.

“I’m serious, Carla.  Jess saw Mom and some guy macking on her at the paint store yesterday.”

Carla raises an eyebrow at Riley, “You’re not joking?”

Riley shakes his head.  Carla plops down in one of the table chairs.

“Mom has a boyfriend?”  She says quietly, staring straight ahead at the wall.

“It’s not right.”  Riley says in the same whisper, now also staring at the wall.  I take a quick glance at that wall myself, just to make sure that I’m not missing anything important.

“Oh my God, what if they’re doing It?”

“Riley!”  Carla and I both yell at the same time.

“What?  It’s a legitimate concern.”

I roll my eyes and take over the dirty dishes.  I can’t help it; dirty dishes bother me.  Surely it isn’t a healthy obsession.

“My mother is a slut.”

“Riley, you don’t even know if she’s slept with. . .”

“No, he’s right.  She’s a slut.”  Carla cuts me off but still stares at the wall.

“She hasn’t even dated since your father died.  This is her first relationship in two years.  Give her a break.”

For future reference, when two siblings are in shock over the fact that their widowed mother has a boyfriend, it really is best just to keep your mouth shut.

Both Riley and Carla turn to glare at me.  I take note that Carla’s right eye is twitching slightly while Riley looks like he would love nothing more than to stick my head into the sink full of nasty dishwater.  I manage an apologetic smile before turning back around and focus on cleaning out a bowl.

“Does she know that you know?”  Carla asks.

I don’t know who she was asking but Riley and I both say no at the same time.

Against my better judgment, I turn and speak again, “Are you guys going to tell her that you know?”

“No.”  Carla states loudly just as Riley shrugs.  We stare at her.  “Look, I spent two days figuring out place settings for the wedding.  You have no idea how difficult it was to figure out a way to fit two-hundred people in Mom’s backyard for the reception.  And I finally have it all figured out and I am not going to spend another two days moving people around to fit in Mom’s manwhore.”

I prefer the name Mystery Kisser to Manwhore.  Mystery Kisser sounds more romantic.  But I don’t think arguing with Carla right now over the nickname of her mother’s possible boyfriend is the greatest of ideas.

Riley wants to protest, I can tell by the way he looks at me, which causes my stomach to do that stupid flippy thing again.  Despite the fact that I think their mom should know of their awareness, I shake my head.  He wasn’t around Carla for those two days when she was standing over drawings of her mom’s backyard with the same look Hitler probably had on his face when he was studying a map of Europe, and figuring out where to put tables, chairs, the band, and her offensive uncle Bobby.  Riley didn’t see her break down into tears and threaten to claw Evan’s eyes out when he accidentally spilled root beer on one of the possible place setting charts.  If keeping Ms. Callahan from knowing that her children are aware that she has a romantic life means never having to go through Place Setting Hell again, then it really is for the best.

And, if Riley does let Ms. Callahan know, and she invites the Mystery Kisser to the wedding, then it’s going to be Riley helping out Carla figure out where in the hell to stick him at the reception.

“Wait a second.”  Carla holds up a finger.  “Jess saw Mom with this guy yesterday?”

Oh shit.

“Yesterday?”  She’s glaring at me now.

I know that I’m not going to live forever but I never thought that I would die at the hands of a 110-pound bride-to-be.

And that’s after working in a bridal boutique.