knocked-up teens and an extensive history of melissa joan hart’s tv career.

ABC Family has finally been able to sink their teeth into me.  They’ve been trying for a long time.   What with the Harry Potter marathons and that one show with those really hot guys on the horse ranch.  But I’ve always resisted because, every time they come out with a movie or sitcom that looks promising, it’s usually coupled with a stupid ass movie or TV show, like Secret Life of the American Teenager.  I’ve only seen commercials, but from what I can tell, no one in that damn town knows a thing about birth control.  This is why abstinence-only programs in school systems have caused a rise in teen pregnancy.  Get with the program, ABC Family, and give those kids some damn condoms already.

But ABC Family has finally done it.  They didn’t bring in the big guns like Glee did to get my attention, because Glee knew that if they put Neil Patrick Harris on the show, my chubby ass would sit in front of the TV and watch it after getting my Lee fix on American Idol (on a related note, I miss Lee, he was so damn adorable).  And I did.  But I still didn’t care for the show and haven’t watched an episode since.  Because Neil Patrick Harris isn’t there every week.  ABC Family knows this and they also know that, as a Taurus, I need some constants in my life.

Enter Melissa Joan Hart.

As a kid, I loved watching Clarissa Explains it All.  And you know something?  She did explain it all.   Granted I was always jealous of her having an upstairs room that her neighbor boy Sam could just climb up in on a ladder. But still, I loved the shit out of that show.

Then, after a couple of years after she finished ‘splanin’, Melissa Joan Hart came back to our lives as Sabrina the Teenage Witch.  The show was cheesy, had horrible dialogue, and the cast overacted like woah.  Did I care?  Hell no.  I loved that show.  And Harvey.  He was pretty much the best thing about TGIF.  The only thing better was Shawn Hunter from Boy Meets World.  Oh, Rider Strong, how  I loved you.

And now, several years after Sabrina and Harvey cruised into the sunset on a motorcycle while “Running” by No Doubt played in the background, Melissa Joan Hart is back to hanging out in my living room for a half hour every week.  And with Joey Lawrence, who is one of the few shaved head dudes that I find super attractive.  And I am super pumped about.  I mean, I know the show will probably suck, but I don’t care.  I don’t care at all.